How do we talk about our bodies in front of kids? And what if we’re not always happy with the way we look? Annie Morries, a clinical mental health counselor at sport and clinical psychology practice BrykMinds, serving Annapolis, Baltimore, Bethesda, Potomac, Rockville and others, breaks down how to have these conversations in a way that supports positive body relationships for the whole family.
How does a parent address with their child that they want to change something about their appearance without introducing them to body image standards?
Children notice changes and pick up on the meaning adults assign to those changes. It’s important to recognize that the goal isn’t necessarily to shield children from body image standards altogether because the reality is that they will encounter messages about appearance, weight and beauty ideals through many different social and cultural influences. Instead, parents have an opportunity to model how to navigate those messages thoughtfully and intentionally.
A parent may not always be happy with their body. Is it alright to be honest with kids about what they are feeling? What language should be used? Avoided?
I actually think it’s healthy for children to know that adults don’t feel confident all the time.
The goal isn’t to raise children who never experience insecurity, but rather to raise children who know how to respond when insecurities show up and learn that self-doubt does not have to make your decisions for you. Children don’t need parents who have perfect body image. They need parents who demonstrate that difficult thoughts can exist without becoming the truth, and that our bodies deserve care, respect and gratitude regardless of whether we’re having a good body image day or a hard one.
Parents can model that. Instead of saying, “I hate my body,” consider language such as “I’m feeling uncomfortable in my body right now, and I’m trying to respond to that feeling with kindness instead of criticism.”
Can it be body positive for a parent to make a change to feel more confident? How can they talk about that with their children?
Absolutely. Parents are human. I actually think we do families a disservice if we suggest that parents never struggle with confidence or never want to change something about themselves. The language parents use can be the most important piece. Parents can be honest about changes they are making without tying those choices to ideas of “good” or “bad.”
The bigger question isn’t whether a choice is body positive, it’s what is driving the decision.
Is it, “If I change this, then I’ll finally be enough.” Or is it, “This feels aligned with how I want to care for myself right now”? Those are very different places to operate from.
Parents can help children understand that people make choices for many reasons. The key is avoiding the message that changing one’s appearance is necessary to be worthy, accepted, attractive or “good enough.”
As a therapist with experience addressing body image issues, where do body image issues come from, and in what ways can parents prevent children from having them?
The short answer is that body image issues are complex. They rarely come from one comment or one experience. Research suggests they develop through a combination of influences, including cultural ideals, media exposure, peer interactions, family attitudes toward food and appearance, certain sport environments and individual factors such as perfectionism or sensitivity to evaluation. Parents cannot completely prevent body image struggles, and I think that’s an important reality for parents to hear.
What they can do is create a buffer that includes strong protective factors:
- Avoiding negative comments about their own body or other people’s bodies
- Talking about what bodies allow us to do rather than how they look
- Encouraging joyful movement instead of exercise as punishment
- Avoiding labeling foods as “good” or “bad”
- Teaching children to question messages they receive from social media and advertising
- Reinforcing qualities unrelated to appearance, such as kindness, effort, humor, courage and creativity
If kids or teens are hearing negative comments about their own body or others’ bodies from peers, how can parents help them navigate their feelings?
I think many parents’ first instinct is to jump in with reassurance, when what children often first need is validation.
– “That sounds really hurtful.”
– “I can understand why that stuck with you.”
Once a child feels understood, parents can help them make sense of the experience.
Parents can help children recognize that thoughts and comments are not necessarily facts by starting with these questions:
- What did hearing that make you start believing about yourself?
- If your best friend told you this happened to them, what would you say?
- What do you know to be true about yourself that has nothing to do with appearance?
Your body is not an object being graded by the world. It’s the vehicle through which you get to do the things that matter to you. That shift in perspective can be incredibly grounding.
Annie Morris | Clinical Mental Health Counselor
BrykMinds, LLC
Annie Morris, M.S., LGPC, NCC, is a clinical mental health counselor at BrykMinds, a sport psychology and clinical psychology practice. A former Division I athlete, she supports athletes, adolescents, teens and adults through a compassionate, evidence-informed approach, with clinical interests in body image, perfectionism, anxiety, injury recovery and life transitions.
