Playdates are an important part of childhood. They offer time for kids to interact socially without the structure of school or extracurricular activities. They also help kids learn to share, socialize and play freely while still having support from their parents as needed. Children who are neurodivergent, or who have developmental disabilities, are no exception. They benefit from playdates as much as their peers.
While arranging these playdates may take a little more planning and patience, it is well worth the efforts for everyone involved. Here are some tips for hosting a playdate for kids with disabilities.
Our natural reaction may be to avoid talking about any disabilities a child may have, but it is better to address any questions or concerns beforehand so everyone is more comfortable and knows what to expect.
“I am upfront and honest about my daughter before we go to anyone’s house for a playdate,” says Barb Walker-Shapiro, a mother of six. “Her brain doesn’t work like other kids’. She may have a seizure and is prone to major meltdowns. I find that when other parents know what’s ‘wrong’ with my daughter, they are more tolerant and compassionate towards her.”
It is also a good idea to talk to your children openly about differences they may have from their friends. Explain that just because others may seem different or express their joy differently, it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy playdates or making new friends as well.
Prior to the playdate, it is also a good idea to check in with the other parents about whether there are any food allergies or restrictions, or if there’s anything important you should know.
Prior to the playdate, discuss the best location to have the playdate with the other parents. For some, their own home is more comfortable and successful than elsewhere. For others, staying at home may encourage the neurodivergent child to say hello and then retreat to their room while company visits. In this case, it may be better to go to a public place that everyone can enjoy, such as a park, museum or zoo.
On the other hand, parents who have a child that is prone to running away or hiding may find a public place overwhelming. Include all the parents in the discussion to come up with the best solution for everyone.
Another great strategy is to plan activities that unite the kids. Kids who struggle with talking to peers or sharing toys may find that a common interest helps them feel more at ease. Find out the interests of the kids you are hosting and offer an activity around one that excites all of those invited. Ideas could include
a craft, a game or visiting somewhere that fosters that interest. For example, if the children are interested in nature, visit a local nature center or go on a backyard scavenger hunt. If they are interested in animals, visit a farm or zoo.
Whenever kids are involved, patience is important. Try to understand that kids may have different reactions to situations, things may not go exactly as expected and that it may take some time for kids with developmental disabilities to warm up to the situation.
Some neurodivergent children may prefer to participate in parallel play. Parallel play is when kids play beside each other but do not interact with one another. Children who play alone during parallel play still enjoy the time together and are usually interested in what the other children are doing. If things do not go as planned, it is OK to cut the playdate short and try again in the future.
It is most important to note that kids who have disabilities are just like anyone else; they want to interact with friends and be loved and appreciated. When hosting a playdate with these children, it’s important to
greet them and interact with them as you would anyone else you meet.
“Please say hi to my son. Smile at him, even if he doesn’t smile back,” says Marie Taylor, a mother of two. Even if the child is nonverbal or doesn’t seem to hear you, it is important to speak to them.
Angela Leever, special education teacher and mother of three, says, “Encourage the parents and children to speak to the child with [developmental disabilities], not about them. If the child with [developmental
disabilities] does something your child isn’t happy with or that isn’t appropriate, allow them to use words to tell them. Sometimes, that is more powerful than the adults intervening.”
Parenting is not easy, and we all struggle with different challenges when it comes to our children. Ask the parent of the child with the disability if they need help with anything prior to the playdate.
“I almost always have a few extra things to carry, so please don’t be shy about asking if I need help,” says Taylor. “I also need a lot of grace.” Try to be patient and understanding. The other parent may be
overwhelmed or tired. It may have been challenging to get there. All parents have great days where everything goes as planned and tough days where it seems nothing does. Listen and offer a hand when needed, and they will most likely offer the same in return.
The most important tip for having a playdate with a child with developmental disabilities is just to have one. It may take a little more planning and patience than the average playdate, but it is so worth it to both
the parents and kids involved. Playdates offer a great chance for kids to interact with peers and make friends in a non-stressful way, and they are also a great time for parents to connect and build each other up as well.
Playdate Activities That Unite
Choosing activities that encourage common interests will help foster friendships. Here
are some ideas:
· Build something – use LEGO pieces, blocks, wooden train sets
· Pick something they are both interested in and go do it
· Arts and crafts
· Go outside and play
· Quiet stations for the quieter group – set up puzzles, coloring sheets, books, blocks
· Set up a sensory bin
· Pick a neutral location – museum, park or zoo
Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer and mother of six children, including 4-year-old triplets. She often hosts playdates at her house for kids of all ages.