Last But Not Least - June 2012

Daddy’s Girls

By Lisa Robinson
 
So you like Daddy better than me? I recently put that loaded question to my 13-year-old daughter, Grace. It’s just that she and her dad have a special bond, she tells me. Well, that’s okay.
When I pick Grace up from school and ask how her day was I get, “Fine.”
“Did you learn anything new?” I ask. 
“No.” 
“Then I need to ask for my tuition back,” I say.
To which she replies, “I can’t talk about it now. I’m tired and I’m hungry.” 
Apparently, those are the needs a mother, or at least this mother, is supposed to address.
The minute her father steps into the house, she is all about talking—running on sentence after sentence about her day. 
Did I not ask those same questions? Did I not want to be in the know? But I am not Dad. 
“He's fun,” says Grace. “He never really complains. You usually want me to do stuff before I get to get what I want. Father lets me get what I want. Then I do stuff in return, as a favor,” she says.
 Okay, Grace. Fine. But why do girls her age prefer their fathers, I ask her.
 “Mothers are too similar to us,” she explains. “Most of the time--since you are a carbon copy of us—you make us do work and chores. Dads don't necessarily do that unless you do something horribly wrong.”
And what does Daddy give you that I can’t? “Basketball!” she exclaims. “He gives me helpful feedback. We have many inside jokes. You're hilarious,” she continues, “but you’re the hilarious type that is like me. And I don't really want to hear myself twice.”
I know. I set myself up for all of this criticism, but still I wanted some professional help. Really I wanted someone to validate my thoughts about it all. So I emailed the man dubbed “America’s Psychologist” and a regular on NBC’s “Today Show,” Dr. Jeff Gardere and asked if there’s a time when adolescent girls just adore their fathers and shun their mothers. 
“We see what is called the Electra complex early in life, where the daughter competes with her mom for the attention of her father,” writes Gardere. “However, we also see that in adolescence a girl may favor her dad over her mom because on an instinctual level, the male presence becomes important in her life and a preparation for the dating years that are to come. Dad becomes the idealized male.” 
There are fathers who are excellent with their daughters, Gardere adds, and who develop a very strong bond through the years. We call them a daddy's girl. 
I admit it. I was a daddy’s girl.
I asked Grace why it is important for girls her age to have a strong bond with their fathers. “Because when your mother is getting on your nerves, then you have someone who is chill to talk to,” she answered. 
Pressing my luck, I went out on a limb and asked her why girls her age dislike their mothers and think dad is great. I got the answer of an adolescent mind: “Mothers think they know it all. Maybe they do, but tweens/teens especially at this age don't like hearing that. Dads are fun and don't criticize you too much except for what you wear.”
I put the same question to Gardere. “I don't believe they have ‘disdain’ for their mothers,” he notes. “Instead they may favor dad over mom or believe that dad has a better understanding of their needs. Sometimes daddies spoil the girls and the mothers become the disciplinarians and the foils. Therefore, mom may believe that she is not liked. But that is far from the truth.”
Whatever. I am tired of all of this drama. But apparently it is the natural order of things.  “There are those times where one parent is favored over another depending on the needs, or even the conflicts that the daughter is experiencing,” the good doctor tells me.
And, he advises, things will eventually change. “For many daughters, especially those who are well-adjusted, daddy is replaced by the boyfriend. However, in her heart daddy will always be ‘the man!’”
The doc says it’s important to encourage our girls to keep loving their fathers and not make them feel guilty about the relationship. “I guarantee they will love you, the mother, for encouraging them to love their daddies,” he says. BC

Lisa Robinson is a news anchor with WBAL-TV

© Baltimore’s Child Inc. June 2012